Yesterday I was able to get my hair done, as Pat has taken the entire week off in order to use up vacation days. He gave me the morning to do as I wished, and so I took my under-protected and over-neglected head of hair off to Roswell Square to be managed by the professionals. I sat in the chair and leafed through my magazine and was done from start to finish in moments. All that was available to me was People magazine and I inwardly rebuked myself for leaving my book at home. I do not want to know who is sleeping with whom in Hollywood this week. And the uniquely unwholesome thing about Hollywood: everyone has basically slept with everyone else, and that is not something I want to dwell on. Plus, I feel that it would look rather inconsistent to read a racy article while telling the stylist where we go to church.
An article I did notice and made a note to further investigate featured the “family” of the TLC show Sister Wives. 4 wives and 1 husband = harmonious polygamy. This the nature of the news, though the eyes speak volumes and am not easily convinced by what I see in the gazes of the sisters. I found the show on Vimeo and Pat and I streamed 2 episodes in last night.
Now, I am not so naive as to believe that moments in reality television are not constructed and scenarios created just for show. I get that. I am also not so unaware as to believe that everything seen is real. I realize that too. Networks are mass-marketing people’s lives and there is much money to be made in pandering the ugly before an audience that eats it up with a spoon. So, obviously construction of fiction may occur at times, in the ceaseless need for new material and new cash.
But I do know based on what I believe to be true about God Himself: He has created marriage between 1 man and 1 woman to be His ultimate design. And the loyal unity between 2 people alone, to be what He wants in family. And when we veer from this intrinsically good way, there are always problems to be found and hurts waiting to be unearthed.
My heart was troubled and entirely sad as I watched the 4 women interacting in this life as they know it: sharing one man and a multitude of little ones, while all vying and dying for the affection of their husband. To watch their children live in apartments under the same roof as their Dad cycles between them all. To see their teenage sons shoulder many of the responsibilities of the household, filling in the holes that are left in the unbalanced equation of: 1 man 4 families. To view every woman vying for the love and personal attention that God has created women to give and receive in monogamous marriage.
There was much self-justification. All wives have come from polygamous upbringings and chorus phrases like: We so much wanted not just a husband but other sisters as well. We want to live as a huge family. We love to be all together and we raise one another’s children. We have actually found that marriage can be better when there are more wives.
The show introduces a 4th wife early on, who is the new one. She is young and pretty, affording Kody (the husband) the opportunity to date for the first time in 16 years. The first three wives were all married in quick succession to one another and have grown up together. They are approaching middle age and bear the scars and weight and eye-creases that come with time and mothering. They are attractive because they are women created by God, but they are getting older and are therefore nothing compared to the new model.
There are many tears as the women face reality with a new wife, and one who shows them all up with her youth and beauty. Meri- the first and only legal wife- gazes down into her lap much of the time and looks frozen and broken as she is interviewed. The middle wife finds solace in her career and seems primarily focused on herself and rather indifferent to the proceedings. The 3rd wife who has enjoyed her position as the newest wife, is visibly shattered and cries easily. She is days away from birthing her 6th child, so it’s tough to maintain a stiff upper when your husband is dating again and you have to tell yourself: It is all normal. And it is all good. It is really better this way.
But it is not normal. It is not better. And it is not all good. Plural families celebrate the fact that within their midst multiple children are mothered by multiple women. Siblings abound. Chores are shared and work ethic learned. But nothing can detract from the truth that all are neglected by the man of the home, as he speaks of the privilege of “loving” 4 women. Yet, not surprisingly, none feel loved, nor how could they?
I inwardly shuddered as we watched and made a mental note as always, to be thankful for the day-to-day living with one man. To be thankful for Pat’s reaction to such a show, as he showed the signs of wanting to do man-to-man combat with this guy who is neglecting his family, living in complete selfishness and leaving his children defenseless.
My thoughts turned to God’s ways again. To the fact that He makes abundantly clear that women are prized, worthwhile, beautiful and necessary to the functioning of Earth. Remove the traces of Christian thought from a society and all are left with abuse that women- and then their children- will bear.
I thought of the little girls in China who populate orphanages, for no other reason than because they are girls. The tiny girls we we saw featured in Born Into Brothels- whose Thai parents sell them off into the sex trade for mere pennies, for no other reason than because they are girls. The women in tribal Africa we have heard about who are shunned for bearing certain medical conditions and are therefore considered unworthy of marriage, love and place in the community. The head-to-toe coverings of girls all across the Muslim Middle East. Tucked away, covered up and treated disrespectfully, for no other reason than because they are girls.
God’s imprint on a culture is the surest way to ensure that women are given freedom and equality. This country was founded by Godly men with Godly principles, which affected their thinking- right down to gender roles. Strip this thought process away, remove the background of Christian thought, replace with the Book of Mormon or any other substitute and the results are drastic and can be heart-breaking.
I am thankful for the gift of monogamous marriage today. For the protective instinct of a man who guards his wife and children well, because he is solely focused on their needs and concerns. It can be easy as a woman to pick and pick at this husband who lives in our space, to preoccupy ourselves with his imperfections. To fixate on his flaws and areas of insensitivity. To spend more time being wounded or irritated, than thankful. I find myself in this place many times, and have to pray to love and respect Pat daily.
But looking around with global and cultural eyes brings me back to my senses. The day-to-day commitment is so beautiful in its simple focus. All that the Sister Wives or any any wives desire is a man who will set his sights solely on YOU.
That’s what good marriage is: just a consistent day-by-day focus which becomes a beautiful collection of years together. Memories that are intimate and personal and shared only between two people. It’s not all perfect, but at least its yours. And that shared bond is so worth enjoying and celebrating.
For any of you who have talked to me about the state of marriage in Canada, from the past acceptance of divorce and common-law relationships to the most recent acceptance of homosexual marriage as a cultural norm, you will have heard me say that polygamy is next up in the proverbial batting order. As Tim Challies says, 'culturally speaking, we really have no defense against polygamy (based on all the other things our society accepts and celebrates).' In the following article from Happy Helms blog the author takes on a new show called 'Sister Wives' which seems to be Hollywood's newest front in undermining marriage, and prophesies more changes to come in our culture and how we as Canadians think of the one-man, one-woman bond that is spoken of in Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31 which all say - "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
Here is the full section on marriage from Ephesians 5 which is a direct challenge to husbands and evidences that polygamy is not acceptable for the Christian: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself."
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